Archive for the ‘Humour’ category

A little light relief

Sunday, 8 April 2007

To divert attention from the recent national humiliation suffered by the 9th Euroregion of Lesser Britain at the hands of the Islamic Republic of Iran, a little light relief.

A pity that anyone under 30 with less than a degree in the physical sciences or engineering is unlikely to have a sufficient grasp of atomic theory to ‘get’ the joke. That or having been educated at an independent (fee-paying) secondary school. For more on the level to which Britain’s state ‘edukasyhun’ has sunk, see Frank Chalk’s eye-opener of a blog.

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest chemical yet known to science. This new element has been tentatively named “Governmentium.”

Governmentium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons,and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A tiny amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay but instead, it undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypocritical quantity is referred to as “Critical Morass.” You will know it when you see it. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element which radiates just as much energy since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

Hat-tip to: cspeight@dircon.co.uk

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